I get asked regularly why I chose this path, and for many years I would explain the external circumstances that led me into the profession. I would talk about my uncle and cousin being chiropractors. I would talk about my love of sports and natural curiosity about the human body. I would talk about my fascination in what healing really is and how we can promote health as opposed to trying to rid ourselves of disease. I would talk about wanting to help people and not wanting to be stuck in an office.
All this is true, but rarely did I go much deeper. This is in part due to the fact that I wasn't lying, I therefore figured I could leave it at that, because I wanted to portray a good and noble image, but mainly because I hadn’t asked myself the difficult questions. Why was I curious about the body? Why was interested in health? Why did I actually want to help people? The other reason is also that I am aware of sounding like a weirdo because people probably don't really want to know that much information, but I figured spilling my guts in a blog post is ok.
It took me a long time to admit to myself that there was a whole other side to my desire of working in the health field. A side that initially I felt guilty about once I realised it was there. I came to see that I was in the profession to feel worthy, for receive a form of love, and for the feeling that my life mattered. My thinking was that I could help someone, then I meant something, and I would get a little boost of self-worth. I was looking for external sources for validation, and inherent in this thinking is that I am not enough just as I am, and then over time I realised that there aren't enough spines in the world to fix that would fill that hole of believing that I am not being enough. Not only in my eyes but in the eyes of others. Now I don't want to seem over dramatic about this as it wasn't like I wasn't having daily existential breakdowns, but what it did lead to is that constant and exhausting underlying tension and anxiety that so many of us feel. The guilt was around the idea that I should only have altruistic motives, and anything other than that is somehow dishonest or morally awry.
I don't know about right or wrong, but it was what I needed. Interestingly though, once I had seen the truth for what it was, admitted to myself about how I really felt and come to some degree of acceptance, the need for external validation eased off and I became much more settled in my work. They say in this line of work ’take no credit, take no blame’. To me that meant yes do everything I can to become the best at my craft that I can be, take responsibility for what I bring to the table and how I do it, but realise that I am not doing any healing per se, and if a patient continues to not take care of themselves, then there is only so much that I can do.
There are many amazing facets to this career, however the truth is there were times where I found it incredibly tough but felt ashamed to admit it. I found it stressful to have people coming in day in day out, suffering, in pain, expecting me to fix them, desperate. The pressure I would put on myself to take full responsibility was so draining, blaming myself for every patient that didn’t respond. The difficulties of running a business. The rawness of the work having a direct cause and effect. The challenge of trying to explain why their symptoms have been developing for years or decades and that it may take many months, and a commitment of time, energy and money to get their health back on track. And on top of all this selling myself, promoting myself, bringing myself into the market place. For someone living on the quieter end of the spectrum, this was possibly the greatest challenge, telling people the truth about what they need versus telling them what I think they want to hear or what they will accept…the truth…my truth. So for many years it really was a love hate relationship I had with the work and came incredibly close to quitting on several occasions. But what held everything together was the idea that today I have the opportunity to influence someone's life, even one person to whatever degree.
So there was an element of wanting to help people because I wanted to help myself. But of course through helping and healing myself, accepting that where I am is ok, the more I could help others. I was always deeply curious about the human body because I wanted to live with a sense of wonder. I wanted to build a business because I wanted to grow and I wanted to wake up every day knowing that who I am matters, and what I do makes a difference.